New DNA Tests Say Hermann The German, Actually Swedish

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(New Ulm, MN) – In what has left customers at Veigel’s Kaiserhoff in a state of shock, new testing shows that Hermann the Germann…was actually a Swede.

The discovery was made by 34-year-old Günter Schmidt of New Ulm, who is a descendant of Hermann the German, also known as Arminius.

“I had a horrible case of insomnia in January and was flipping through the TV channels when I saw an ad for 23andMe genetic testing,” said Schmidt. “Well, Arminius had lost a finger while leading the Germanic tribes over three Roman legions and that finger has been passed down through the family for the last two-thousand years, so I sent it in.”

Schmidt got the DNA results back last week, showing Hermann the German was actually 78% Swedish.

“It really all makes sense to me now. I’ve got IKEA furniture throughout my apartment and my all time favorite band is ABBA,” said Schmidt as he broke into song. “You are the Dancing Queen. Young and sweet, only 17. Dancing Queen. Feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah!”

In addition to his mostly Swedish heritage, testing of the finger showed Arminius was 14% Norwegian, 2% Irish, and only 6% German.

“This just confirms what I always suspected – that our main lineage was actually Scandinavian,” said Schmidt, while fluttering his deep blue eyes and brushing back his long blonde hair.

“I mean, in our family writings about Arminius, there were regular mentions of his love of lutefisk. He used to eat that stuff by the handful. But that was something that my great, great grandparents said we were never supposed to talk about.”

(This article is a part of an occasional series of attempted satire by SMT)

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Photo credits: Mac H (media601)/Flickr.  Michael Hicks/Flickr. Brian Dooley/Flickr.

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