Riots Erupt in Mankato Over Lack of Banks

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(Mankato, MN) – Riots broke out in Mankato-North Mankato on Saturday night following protests over the lack of available banks and credit unions in the area.

Protesters, all living check-to-check, blocked traffic on Highway 14, started fires with huge piles of deposit slips, and chanted “No FDIC insured deposits of up to $250,000, no peace!”

Brandon Armstrong of North Mankato was among those demanding to be heard, noting that there’s a two block stretch of Commerce Drive with only 5 brick and mortar options for banking.

“Yeah, there’s SouthPoint, Wells Fargo, Pioneer, Dollar Tree and Frandsen, but I’m a US Bank customer and the closest branch is like a mile away,” said Armstrong through a stream of tears.

“Sure I have direct deposit and online bill pay and there are ATMs everywhere,” he continued, “but what about those times when I want to break a $20 into two $5s, seven $1s and three dollars in quarters? Then what Mankato? Then what?”

Police were finally able to get the chaotic situation under control by offering the rioters free Dum Dums and a pile of left over 2018 promotional calendars.

We did reach out via phone seeking comment from TCF, MinnStar, Profinium, Frandsen, US Bank, Anchor, Pioneer, Minnesota Valley, First National, Affinity Plus, Community, Bremer, United Prairie, SouthPoint, CCF, Wells Fargo and Bank Vista, but it was after 3:00pm, so our call won’t be official until the next regular business day.

(This article is a part of an occasional series of attempted satire by SMT)

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Photo credits: Filip Fortes/FlickrElvert Barnes/FlickrSteven Depolo/Flickr.

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